So, here I am. Sitting at the computer looking a little better than usual. I straightened my hair and put on a pair of jeans. Belt- no, so unfortunately my crack is hanging out a little. But it's okay, I only pull it up when I am around people who might care hahahahaha. So, today I worked on my funding application for school. It seems as if I'm putting in a lot of work for something that might night even work. Sad face. I was accepted into the Digital Photography program, but tuition is $17,900... yeah. Ouchie. So if funding won't cover it, i'm scrapping it. I've been messaging and calling local photographers, getting their perspective on it. I'm actually so surprised how helpful they've been. Helpful people just rule. I'm so tired of all the busy folk who are too wrapped up in their own things to devote a little time to anyone else. Not to say I am not one of those people every now and then- but I've been a little flabbergasted lately. I try to stay out of peoples' business, but I like to think that I still stick my hand out if they ever need to grab it. I'm tired of feeling alone in this city. I'm accepting new applications for friends haha ;) JK. But really, if you know anybody in Westbank, let me know because it would be sweet to be close to someone instead of having to go twenty minutes past the bridge. Man, this blog was going in a good direction and I just took it to a terrible level. Sorry folks. Well, on a good note though- I was talking to one of the photographers, and he asked me to send a link to my portfolio, a headshot and a resume... so that could mean something pretty sweet. And, if it doesn't, it was stilla highlight that it was requested. I`m about to take the dog out, record something random haha, then head over to a few places and ask about putting up flyers promoting my fabulous band-photo-taking blah blah blah and then go hang out at the tattoo shop for a bit.
GAH. The computer basically shut off when I was trying to do my stuff. My mood is getting worse. I'm not sure if I should go leave the house and do those things anymore. I'm afraid that being snappy and aggrivated aren't two good qualities to possess when trying to impress people.
I'm feeling stressed and angry, i'm missing people and all I do is think about it. At least back in my hometown I had people around me to chill with, talk with. Get my mind off things with. Here, I have like a handfull of people who might want to do something... when they aren't busy. I just don't feel right here. I always feel like a bit of an outcast... but I just feel stuck. I have all these emotions that come from this break up and art is sort of all I got here. Nobody wants to hear me talk about it. I'm sick of people saying "well it was probably for the best." Well, it certainly doesn't cushion the blow. I love my mom to pieces, but I'm sick of burdening her with my shit. I don't want to burden anyone... but at the same time, I feel like i've been there for people countless times and i'm wondering where they are to help a brother out. I made this crazy corkboard with my favorite memories, and it breaks my heart to look at it and realize that maybe 5 people- out of the giant collection of pictures- actually talk to me. I read this quote today, and I mean, I think I believe it:
"It's not that people are mean and cruel, they're just busy." -Steven Pressfield
it's the same thing he told me. And that's another circle in the madness of my crazy emotions. Everything reminds me of him. Every piece of advice, every song lyric, every piece of artwork I have. I'm so scared of photos coming up, posts. Bah. It's rediculous. I'm trying to keep myself together and hide it all- but i'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm upset. I keep thinking i'm getting it all together, and I panic because part of me is gone when he's not in my life. It means my whole life is changed, after I made this conscious effort to have him there. Nobody is reading this, what am I doing? I just wanna stop thinking. I distract myself and I never get too far.
Help?
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